Hopeless Romantic

i've become so numb

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 09:58:48 GMT

i don't know how how've i've gotten to the point i am at... i've let everyone and everything slip away. I just realized today i've lost everyone... I'm hundreds of miles froom anything or anyone that has meant anything to me. i'm out on my own, i'm so tired, worn out. in so much distress. i've fallen apart, my school, my friends, my heart its all a wreck. i'm so not receptive at all totally block everything out i dont know whats wrong, i just keep hoping everyday that fate will kick in and somehow save me nd take me away from where i am now. everyday i see other people's lives all their problems and all their gifts. they may be worse off than me bu yet i am so envious. i dont know where i am going as long as its not here not now not alone.. i need help

Shot Through My Heart

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 08:33:42 GMT

It's been about 6 or 7 months since i've made any real contact with anyone. Somehow i've managed to let myself slip into some insane depression. Since Matt left me in January i havnt talked to anyone, havnt met anyone, havnt wanted to. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I have to go back to rhode island in a few weeks. I dont know what more to say.

I have not decided if i believe in fate. I guess only the future will hold that answer.

=(

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 04:18:52 GMT

not doin so good

Stupid Quiz

Thu, 16 Oct 2003 04:31:19 GMT

A - Act your age: i act way too old for my age
B - Boy who's just a friend: who knows
C - Chore you hate: putting laundry away
D - Dad's name: Dale
E - Essential item: watch
F - Favorite actor: orlando bloom oh legolas!
G - Gold or silver: Silver
H - Hometown: Jefferson NJ
I - Instruments you can play: used to play drums and clarinet
J - Job title: furture MD
K - Kids: no thanks
L - Living arrangements: I live in my own house alone.. lonely
M - Mom's name: Judy
N - Number of people you've slept with: 2
O - Overnight hospital stays: tonsils
P - Phobia: jumping & peaches
Q - Quote you like: "Well shit the bed"
R - Religious affiliation: raised catholic
S - Siblings: none
T - Time you wake up: 950 for class everyday
U - Unique habit: Dunno
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: peas
W - Worst habit: nail biting
X - X-rays you've had: alot i'm a klutz
Y - Yummy food you make - coffee
Z - Zodiac Sign - virgo

Happy Birthday

Sun, 24 Aug 2003 21:43:16 GMT

YAY I'm 19! I'm getting ready to move out for school. I dyed my hair brown and thats about it!

Light or Dark?

Wed, 13 Aug 2003 04:59:42 GMT

I dyed my hair light, but i think i like it dark. What do you think?

Me being a Faggot

Wed, 13 Aug 2003 04:58:26 GMT

Ponderous Moments

Thu, 07 Aug 2003 04:50:23 GMT

My life has dwindled down to just me. Since I moved I have notseen any of my friends nor have I met anyone new. Its just me, myself, and I. My day consists of me getting up between 1 and 2, drinking a cup of coffee, while I do a stupid wordsearch. Then I go on the computer for a couple hours until dinner. Eat go back on the computer, watch tv, and go to bed for it all to start over again. I am extremely Lonely and depressed. My mom asked me what was so horrible about life. She said you are going away to college, starting your future medical career, you have a bright future ahead of you. But what is life with just school, a job, and nothing else. Perhaps when I go away to school things will change, maybe not. All I know is I dont want to be where I am right now.

Fri, 01 Aug 2003 00:04:15 GMT

I went to my first show in about a year on tuesday. I went to see senses fail, boys night out, and transparent. It was alright but i'm going to conclude that RI people blow and so do their shows. I wanna go back to jersey!

Fri, 25 Jul 2003 03:17:11 GMT

hug from behind - you like to feel what the other
person is feeling and see things how they see
them. you tend to be serious and emotional.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
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Fri, 25 Jul 2003 03:05:24 GMT

Tomboy

What's your sexual appeal?
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quizzes

Fri, 25 Jul 2003 03:02:53 GMT

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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Wed, 23 Jul 2003 05:11:28 GMT

You represent... loneliness.
Always alone and always sad about it... unlike
angst, you don't have to look for a reason to
be miserable. You want to be in the company of
people but aren't sure how to act when you're
with them. Sometimes you have to make an
effort. You can't always wait for others to
come to you.

What feeling do you represent?
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Much better

Wed, 30 Apr 2003 01:09:46 GMT

It's been a week, and i'm feeling much better. I'm just stressed out. but I'm good

Spilling My Guts

Tue, 22 Apr 2003 18:02:16 GMT

Yes I know It's been since November since you have heard from me. I've turned into a anti-social old lady, that has no passion for life. My life has turned to shit right before my eyes. I hope some of you read this, so maybe I can talk to yall. I miss you!

First off I'm moving in a month away from everything I've known for 10 years. It's really pulling me apart. I go to connecticut every weekend to see my boyfriend who hasnt really been giving me boyfriendish attention, or anythign for that matter. WE'll get into that later.

I miss all my friends so much, but for some reason everytime I go to call or make plans I just chicken out, and sit on my butt for the rest of the day. I havn't gone to a show in over 10 months. I've lost contact will all of my closest friends and I cry all the time over it. Now moving away I will definatly never see anyone. If anyone wants to do anything please call me. I'm pretty desperate for some social acceptance.

Now my boyfriend matt. I love him so much, but I dont think the feeling is mutual. Its been almost a year and he hasn't even really said anything about his feelings toward me, except don't worry you are my girlfriend. I guess its too much to ask for a simple I love you. He's been spending most of his time with his friend, about 5 days a week. I feel sort of neglected, I know its wrong of me but its what i feel. When I'm with him, I want to do things but he never seems to want to do them. He says girlfriends and friends are different, you do different things with your friends than your girlfriend. Well what the fuck do you do with your girlfriend. Sit around the house all day, until one of your friends come over. And I sit there occupying myself.

I dont know what to do anymore. I'm just so depressed. I feel so alone. My only friend now is my mom and thats pitiful. I feel like such a loser. The only way I make myself happy is by buying stuff off the internet, and waiting for it to come. I can't wait to go to sleep at night, because thats the only time I dont have to worry about everything. I just need some support. Please don't blame me for anything i've done. If you are reading this I'm glad you care. I appreciate it so much.

Mon, 04 Nov 2002 03:09:58 GMT

obviously the pictures didnt work oh well

; )

Mon, 04 Nov 2002 03:01:10 GMT

Life is good Life is sweet! Thanks Honey!

FUCKIN YEAH

Wed, 30 Oct 2002 17:50:17 GMT

What New Jersey band are you?
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That's fucking right i'm shattered realm
YOU CANT TRUST ANYONE THIS WORLD IS MINE

=(

Thu, 12 Sep 2002 02:20:29 GMT

What can I do to make me better.. There's no one left around.. everyone's always busy. I have no time now all i do is go to school and do homework. I'm only happy Thursday through sunday when I'm not in this crap hole. I feel so unattractive, I need some positive reinforcement or sumthing. Wow i just feel like crap i need a hug and someone to say they care

Thu, 12 Sep 2002 02:11:48 GMT

I'm just not happy

Guess who's back

Sat, 10 Aug 2002 01:37:42 GMT

I had gotten inspired by my endless boredom, so i decided to upload a picture of brian fellow on here. He is pure genious. Otherwise life has been easy going, but i do need to get a hold of myself soon for i feel myself slipping, so hopefully in a few months i'll be back to the way it was.

Mon, 24 Jun 2002 16:31:56 GMT

I'm going to be taking a break from here and the computer all together for a while. It just has lost my interest and i've found better things to do. If you wanna get together or talk or anything call me on my cell, or email me, or IM me.. see ya in the future

Tue, 11 Jun 2002 15:42:06 GMT

fetus: dying
fred durest: oh no
gumbo: new orleans
karate:chop
east guam: gumball
papaya: hawaii
ball: blue
guava: orange
twister: naked
cookie: bad
rubber: condom
goldfish: yuck
vomit: chunky
silver: chrome
pluto: disney
sir lancealot: hot
sir gallahan: gay
reflection: fata
mousepad: stupid
scooter: trash
button: push
marroon: brick
daffy: duck
shrapnel: what
penis: vagina
bustah rimes: wooha
jebus: jesus?
lemmings: fun
abyss: nothing
suffocation: plastic
fucktard: hah too many names come to mind
queso: cheese
nessy: monster
godzila: chunky!
glass: jaw
santa: red
duct tape: sticky
kitty: pussy
britney spears: smooth
crack: whore
camel: hump
flub: splat
elephant: peanut
piss off: yellow
ice cream: syrup
ford explorer: truck
fire: fly
lip balm: slick
bah!: BAHH!
supercalafrajelisticexpialadocious: even thought the sound of it is something quite atrocious

Tue, 11 Jun 2002 15:21:24 GMT

Big dilemma i'm gonna have to tell chris about my recent joining of my and my boy.. damn i feel so bad

useless information

Tue, 28 May 2002 22:43:27 GMT

four CDs from your collection that you will never get tired of:
1. unearth- sting of conscience
2. anti-flag - all of em
3. poison the well - opposite of decemeber
4. from autumn to ashes - too bad ur beautiful

four places you just have to go:
1. cali
2. hawaii
3. australia
4. india

four things you'd like to learn:
1. how to stay beautiful
2. play bass
3. how to lose weight
4. how to get control of my life

four beverages you drink frequently:
1. coffee
2. water
3. kool aid
4. lemonade

four tv shows that were on when you were a kid:
1. my little pony
2. care bears
3. david the knome
4. double dare

four tv shows you watch now:
1. osbournes
2. fashion tv
3. jackass
4. ??

four places to go in your area:
1. krome/birch
2. diner
3. mall
4. my bed

four things that never fail to cheer you up:
1. kicking the shit outta something
2. sleep
3. music
4. driving

four dream guys/girls:
1. brandon boyd
2. matt caisse
3. mike hickman
4. chris freeman

About 20 years ago:
1. the world was much cleaner
2. i wasnt alive
3. didnt have as much shit to worry about
4. they smoked wore sweet clothes and didnt give a rats ass about anything

About 10 years ago
1. i was fat
2. i was happy
3. i was in NY
4. i didnt know life sucks

About 5 years ago:
1. i started losing weight
2. my hair got lighter
3. i became extremely weird and unique
4. found my love of music

getting a little more personal...
name: jessica
nicknames: jess, jessie, jessie-pooh, nikelz, jukie, weber
collections: nothing really
goals/ambitions: just to be happy
pets: 3 cat, 1 lizard, 1 rabbit (satan)

faves:
4 letter word: cunt, fuck, cock, etc
actor/actress: matthew illiard
board game: life
book: uh no
candy: SOUR PATCH KIDS
cartoon: my lil pony
cereal: hmm thats tough
chewing gum: bazooka
color: lime green
color nail polish: black
day of week: saturday
least fave day: mon-thurs
flower: bird of paradise
jello flavor: strawberry
jewelry: cuffs, emo tar necklace
music video: uh no
quote/saying: dude
oddities: i have alot of injuries
habits: biting my nails, drinking coffee
obsessions: dirty dirty place... (body mods, hardcore, cars, guys)
piercings: 13 all together
special skills/talents: no
tattoos: i wish

friendship & love & all that jazz:
do you believe in love at first sight? not really
do you want children one day & if so, how many? maybe 2
fave thing about the opposite sex: the whole thing
first thing you notice in the opposite sex: piercing-tattoos/hair & eyes
least fave thing about the opposite sex: hairy stuff
most important thing to you in a friendship is: loyalty
turn offs: cigs, players
turn ons: good looks/music/style/personality/tattoos/piercings
what do you think is a good age to get married? 25-30

suppose you could?
be a character from a movie, who would you be? fuckin leelou from 5th element
do one thing to someone you disliked, what would you do? autopsy haha
other info:
criminal record?: no
describe yourself in 5 words or less: failure
do you speak any other languages? spanish kindof
ever done drugs? maybe
last book you read: the stranger
most interesting thing to you: music
name some of your favorite things in your bedroom: bed/laptop
thing you dislike about yourself the most: weight
thing you like about yourself the most: my music
pick a song title that best describes you: my heart bleeds no longer
worst feeling in the world: being used and thrown out
who you like: my friends
who you love: my friends
who you miss: matt
I see: a messy room of redecoration
I need: to be strong
I find: shit, lot of it
I want: to succeed
I have: not that much
I wish: i could go away
I love: aloto things
I hate: myself
I miss: matt
I fear: jumping
I feel: lonely, helpless, overhwlemed
I hear: the neighbors
I smell: no i dont!
I crave: food
I search: constantly
I wonder: will it ever get better
I regret: somethings

When was the last time you ...
Smiled?: yesterday
laughed?: yesterday
Cried?: last night
Bought something?: yesterday
Danced?: a while ago
Were sarcastic?: now
Kissed someone?: yesterday
Talked to an ex?: FUCK HIM THAT ASSHOLE LEAVE ME ALONE
Had a nightmare?: hmmmm

Last movie you saw: spiderman
Last song you heard: slice paper wrists
Last thing you had to drink: coffee
Last time you showered: last night
Last thing you ate: cereal

Do You...
Smoke?: no
Do drugs?: no
Have sex?: not like that!
Sleep with stuffed animals?: yes
Live in the moment?: yes
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: maybe???
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: yes
Play an instrument?: drums
Believe there is life on other planets?: yes
Remember your first love?: yes
Still love him/her?: no
Read the newspaper?: no
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: yes
Believe in miracles?: yes
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: yes
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: yea
Consider love a mistake?: never is love amistake
Like the taste of alcohol?: depends
Believe in astrology?: no
Believe in magic?: yes
Believe in God?: not god but something
Pray?: sometimes
Go to church?: no
Have any secrets?: yup
Talk to strangers who instant message you?: yeah best people
Wear hats?: yeah
Hate yourself?: sometimes
Wish on stars?: always
Like your handwriting?: it changes
Have any bad habits?: biting my nails
Care about looks?: yea
Boy/girlfriend's looks?: kinda.. but i have weird taste
Believe in witches?: umm depends
Believe in Satan?: yeah my fuckin rabbit!
Believe in ghosts?: yeah

Bands you're listening to:
[#] 18 visions
[a] a life once lost/ AN/ AF
[b] burnt by the sun
[c] converge
[d] dropkick murphys
[e] everytime i die
[f] from autumn to ashes
[g] GBH
[h] hatebreed
[i] in flames
[j] --
[k] kill your idols
[l] leftover crack
[m] Mineral
[n] nora
[o] one king down
[p] poison the well
[q] --
[r] rancid
[s] shattered realm
[t] This day forward
[u] unearth
[v] vandals
[w] walls of jericho
[x] --
[y] youth ahead
[z] Zao